In Which We Go to a Club:  Who Were Those Men with the Boat?   

Not a club exactly but it captures the spirit.

It started at the grand opening of a club. 

I was given two tickets, and what else was I doing on a Friday night?  I begged Captain Nemo to come with me, but the only club he liked was a dingy warehouse where we had once heard 10,000 Maniacs and Talk Talk for free.

Anyway, what he really liked, and what I liked, too, was lolling on the couches in our living room (we had two) and reading Proust. It was a sweet scene:  there is no doubt about it.  We had bought a set of of Proust (Modern Library) for $5.  I’m still on Volume VI…

But my charming friend Rosie, who had never been to a club, was willing to go. We dressed up, put on costume jewelry, and tried to tame our hair, which was difficult when the humidlty was 70%.

Anyway, the club was very crowded. There must have been at least 200 people. Once we got inside, we milled and thronged, hovered over the buffet, and ate standing up because there weren’t enough chairs.

And then two strange men approached us. Rosie and I had not expected this! 

Dorothy Parker wrote: 

Men seldom make passes
At girls who wear glasses.

 I guess these guys never heard that one.

Anyway, the men chatted, and we smiled, but we hardly talked at all.  AND THEN THEY ASKED US TO GO OUT ON THEIR BOAT.

“Um, er.  Shall we go to the restroom first?” I said, smiling

And so we retired, giggling, to the restroom. According to Rosie, I looked  “vampish.” I looked at myself in the mirror with a sinking sensation. If I hadn’t let the clerk at a department store pick out my party dress, this would not have happened. But my friend Emma was truly beautiful, and I was a sweet bookish woman in disguise, so I can only say they had good taste.

And then we sort of lost them in the crowd.  I know, I know:  we should have turned them down and told them we were married.  But I sort of froze.  Maybe you know what I mean.

“So this is what it’s like to be single,” Rosie said.  “Joe and I met at a fraternity dance.”

“The captain and I met in a Latin class.”

“Kat, you’re such a nerd!”

“Yes,” I said, satisfied.

Although I wish I had been courteous, and tactfully turned down the men’s invitations, I comfort myself with the knowledge that there were hundreds of women there who would want to go out on their boat!

Who’s on Prozac, Who’s Not?

I used to think I could walk down the street and identify people on Prozac (by which I mean antidepressants in general).  It turned out I was wrong. The handsome, impeccably dressed middle-aged man who held the bus door open for us appeared on the street corner one morning wearing  “beggar clothes” (tattered jeans, a soup-stained sweater, and a small ski jacket that may have belonged to his wife, if he had one).

“Can you spare money for a cup of coffee?” he asked.  Of course I could and did. I handed him $7, in case he craved two cups of coffee or a latte.  Under other circumstances, I would have dircted him to the best place to get a latte, but it would be a miracle if he made it to any coffeehouse.

I asked the neighborhood security guard if the man, now apparently a beggar, would be okay.

“Yup, when the pills kick in. His house is a block away.  And if he beds down in the alley in that sleeping bag, we take him home in the car.”

“Where does he get those beggar clothes?”  I asked. The security guard said he’d wondered, too.

And a few days later, sure enough, the man wore his suit again and  helped us onto  the bus.  I almost asked him about that imaginary latte but stopped just in time.

According to the National Institutes of Health, approximately 16 percent of Americans take antidepressants.  That does not seem like an inordinately high number to me. In fact, it seems like a lowball number.

Because who isn’t depressed these days, even if not clinically?  Americans seem more isolated than ever since the pandemic. They sheltered in place, and worked at home, but the work-at-home trend, though convenient, has also weakened the sense of community among  workers. They used to meet daily and chat in their cubes and offices about Netflix, the weather, and on rare occasions, politics. I’m not saying people shouldn’t work at home, but perhaps they should put in an appearance once or twice  a week, to reestablish a sense of community.

Meanwhile, it’s okay to take Prozac if you need it.

Cynthia Heimel’s Humor Columns & Essays

“The eighties weren’t our fault.” – Cynthia Heimel (1947-2018)

Rearranging my bookcases is one of my favorite pastimes.  I never know what I’ll find, and today I ferreted out a treasure trove of Cynthia Heimel’s humor books, Sex Tips for Girls; But Enough about You; If You Can’t Live without Me, Why Aren’t You Dead Yet?, and Get Your Tongue out of My Mouth, I’m Kissing You Good-bye

Heimel, who wrote for The Village Voice and Playboy, is one of our best American humor writers. (Library of America, could you publish her books side by side with other women’s humor essays?) Heimel wrote hilariously about not having a boyfriend, the advantages of an all-black wardrobe, and shopping under the influence of PMS.  And, oh, by the way, she says the best place to find a man is Texas.  Don’t ask… I didn’t understand… but where’s your plane ticket? 

It’s odd how, after all these years, I still relate to “The Great Boyfriend Crunch,” an essay in Sex Tips for Girls. Here is an excerpt from Cynthia’s hilarious boyfriend diary.

11:30 a.m.  Wake up.  Realize I don’t have a boyfriend. Go back to sleep again.

12:45 p.m. Wake up.  Realize I don’t have boyfriend but do have intense need for sustenance. Stagger into kitchen.  Make coffee.  Run mind over assorted boyfriend possibilities

1:07 p.m. Greta calls from the office. She went to a party last night and met a cute guy.  Twenty years old, too young. Also has girlfriend, but may be breaking up with her soon.  We discuss starting a newsletter announcing up-to-the-second status of all heterosexual relationships in Manhattan.

And, by the way, when Greta does call up the too-young guy, he doesn’t remember her! 

Heimel’s other books are a little more mainstream, but may seem even more comical and daring, Everyone loves her rants on fashion and aging, because as women we have similar experiences. In the essay, “We Are Not What We Wear” in But Enough about You,  Heimel laments the death of fashion: her all-black clothes no longer identify her as a hipster writer. Clothes no longer signal who you are.

Back in the old days, when artists used to live in lofts, if one had a ‘look,’ it meant something. Some looks proclaimed, ‘Hi there, I’m a rock star’  or ‘Hello, I’m a black humorist!’ or even Yo!  I’m a drug dealer!”

And then she tells us what we must never wear, including ROCK-STAR MEMORABILIA (she says not even rock stars will wear it), THE ARMY SURPLUS EFFECT, THE PREPPY GAG, RIDING COSTUMES, & ATHLETIC OUTFITS. I’m guilty of the latter. Does this mean I can’t wear sweatpants around the house?

As a Woman of a Certain Age, I appreciate her essay, “What’s a Crone to Wear?” in Get Your Tongue out of My Mouth, I’m Kissing You Good-bye! Heimel loves to shop in New York, where she finds beautiful, interesting clothes, but can’t even find a long skirt in L.A. She says that she’d take out a loan if she could find one ridiculously overpriced garment she could fall in love with there.

But perhaps it’s easier for Heimel to find good clothes than a boyfriend. That said, I used to joke that I had majored in classics and boyfriend, because I have (almost always) had a boyfriend, and usually a husband. But I gather that Heimel had many boyfriends, and possibly a husband, too, at some point. Her writing is personal, but not too personal. She turns it all into humor.

By the way, I have an autographed copy of Sex Tips for Girls!

Pollution in the Midwest:  Booth Tarkington’s “The Midlander”

Booth Tarkington, Environmental Novelist

We are experts on polluted cities.

We learned from living in cities plagued by air and water pollution, the smoke from the factory stacks, the chemicals lobbed into the river, the destruction of inner-city neighborhoods, and flight to the suburbs and exurbs.

Suburban life is complicated. There were no trains or buses from the far suburbs and exurbs. One person per car: those tens of thousands of cars crawling in on the highways emitting carbon dioxide. In this particular city, bicycling was not encouraged, and there were no bike lanes. One driver left the scene after hitting a bicyclist. She flipped over the handlebars and broke her collarbone and three ribs when she hit the asphalt. But not all drivers are monsters: someone stopped and helped her.

Commuting can even be psychologically damaging. A colleague who commuted 100 miles a day seemed depressed and not all there, but who could blame her? “It’s okay,” she said with that depressed look. I brought her cups of tea, because she seemed completely broken, and, indeed, she lost her job after a few months. She took anti-depressants, but that didn’t seem enough, and I wondered:  do commuters need more psychotropic drugs than other people?  According to the National Health Institute, “Geographic region was significantly associated with use of psychotropic medications. Psychotropic medication use was higher in less urban areas (19.7%) relative to more urban areas (14.2%).” I am sort of right.

One of the greatest writers on air pollution and urban sprawl is the novelist Booth Tarkington, winner of the Pulitzer Prize for The Magnificent Ambersons (1918). His best, though little-known, novel is The Midlander (1923), the third in the Growth trilogy. Tarkington chronicles the rise and fall of a midwestern city, which is wrecked by pollution from factories and automobiles. The black smoke from factories and the automobile exhaust casts a fog over the city. People can’t breathe; their clothes are always dirty; and developers are tearing down houses to build more smoky factories.

As I read, I was astonished to realize that urban sprawl was a concern in the first quarter of the 20th century.  And then I remembered E. M. Forster’s Howards End, which is, in a way, about the difficulty of  finding housing in London, and a country house that is rapidly becoming suburban.  Marriage temporarily solves the housing problem, but the real solution may lie at Howards End, in a kind of pre-suburban fugue.

In The Midlander, the protagonist, Dan Oliphant, Is not seeking housing, but planning and building a suburb. He’s a bit of a fool who marries a shallow New York beauty who despises the midwest (which she calls the Far West) and verbally abuses him. Fortunately Dan leaves her at home with his parents (she is nice to them) almost all day and night, while he tries to find investors and digs and lays out the neighborhoods on his land. He foresees that the population will expand in 10 years and move to the suburbs; he even builds a car factory because the suburbanites will need transportation.  What he doesn’t know is that air pollution from factories and cars will drive people out of the city. 

I may not share Dan’s vision – the other characters do not, either, though his parents and next-door neighbor are supportive – but he is fascinating and fanatical about sharing it. We ourselves aren’t really suburban types, but there are old suburbs with beautiful trees, and then the the treeless burbs with ticky-tacky houses. But what we’re looking at in both cases is a place for people to call home.

It’s more convenient and energy-efficient to live in a city if you can, but not possible for everyone, I realize. That’s the end of my rant.

And, may I add, that my unhappiest years were spent in a suburb. All I can say is: I was never so bored in my life. 

You have everything in the city!

But Dan Oliphant in The Midlander would not agree.

What Happened to the Clamshell iBook? The Age of the Cute Computer

Before everyone emailed and texted, before the invention of the talking refrigerator, most of us lived more or less off the grid, Our idea of high tech was the princess phone. But until I got a laptop computer, my life revolved around the typewriter.  I happily typed papers, articles, essays, reviews, letters, and lists on a Royal typewriter. And I would still be typing on the Royal if everyone had not suddenly bought home computers. They urged me to get one.

“But what is it?” 

AND THEN I GOT A LAPTOP

Some people fall in love with their chatbots.  Gemini pops on on the screen and asks: “Do you need help?” Of course you do need help, but not from Gemini.  You prefer your more distant relationship with the laptop.

You don’t fall in love with your laptop, but you treat it like a casual friend or a cordial maiden aunt. You may think it’s a big phone, but it isn’t really: you can think on a larger scale when you read and write on a larger screen.  You can take it to the coffeehouse to write The Great American Novel, or sit at a picnic table taking notes on a bad translation of The Lusiads, a Portuguese epic poem. At the end of a day as a tourist in a strange city,  you can click on a museum website to read about what you missed: you only glimpsed the Elgin Marbles because it was too crowded.

An evening at a hotel can end in tears or numbness. We recommend winding down by watching a video on how to cut your bangs (but don’t do it!), your favorite band videos, or a soothing book vlog. Also, you should drink the herbal tea in your room. Of course, the savvy traveler brings her own.

 AND NOW FOR A FEW WORDS ON MY FAVORITE LAPTOP COMPUTER:  The iBook Clamshell, released in 1999, was a very cute computer, with a handle like a purse, and made in bright colors (tangerine, blueberry, graphite, Indigo, and key lime). It looked like a charming plastic piece of performance art. Unfortunately, ours broke down years ago, and, for whatever reason,  the charming Clamshell was never revived. And so our computers are gray, or brown. I would prefer something colorful…

Did you have a Clamshell iBook?  Did it break down like mine? What’s your favorite laptop computer?

Air or Water?  Living in Polluted Cities

When we moved into a 100-year-old bungalow in a lovely midwestern town, I was delighted.. The sun was brighter and the sky bluer than in the bustling post-industrial city where we used to live. That city was referred to as  “the big dirty” by truckers.  And the air was dirty, sometimes filthy, though the water, surprisingly, was very good. 

In fact, the air used to be very bad there. Black smoke puffed out of the factory stacks and it looked like burning hell from the highway. Before Nixon founded the EPA in 1970 (I know: Nixon), there was no regulation of air or water pollution. An elderly scientist told me stories about the bad quality of the air when he was growing up:   black smuts on the sidewalks, front stoops, walls, drapes, and rugs.  It was a housewife’s nightmare.

Steel company

But now things are better.  Not great, mind you, but the EPA and other environmental agencies have cleaned things up quite a bit. Their job is to enforce regulations, not to eradicate pollution, but they do their best. One Saturday, four of us, two men and two women, drove over a bumpy back road to examine the smoke and emissions from  a steel mill. 

Well, honestly, Lulu and I listened to the radio while the guys read smoke, estimated emissions. and did their thing. “Is this legal?” I asked. I worried that we were trespassing.  

Lulu sighed. “They  can’t go anywhere without reading smoke.  It’s such a drag, but you’ll get used to it.”   

Finally both of us got fed up listening to the radio.  Lulu stuck her head out of the window and said, “If you don’t drive us out of here NOW, we’ll walk to the factory and call a taxi.”

I could picture Lulu in her heels and me in my sandals crunching and wobbling over the gravel. 

And so they drove us reluctantly to a shop in a tourist area that sold objects made or food grown in the state. I bought some maple syrup. Lulu bought a gift basket.  And it was a relief to do something pleasant after our smoky ride.

Later, I had an opportunity to tour a steel factory. I had to wear a hard hat. Much to my surprise, it was a beautiful, if terrifying, process, with flames flickering high and iron melting into steel.  My guide explained the process, but I’m hazy about it, and took no notes. But I did make me realize that these factories make one-third of the world’s steel and provide jobs. 

The city where we live has good air, bad water. It has few factories, but there is agricultural run-off.  In some parts of the state, the water is unpotable.  For instance, my dad always took bottled water out of the refrigerator for us. 

“The water is not too good here,” he said apologetically. 

It startled me that the water would be so polluted in such a tiny town.  But it’s not surprising, after all, because it is surrounded by farms: there is agricultural run-off, nitrates, sediment, pesticides, and waste. Sometimes it even poisons the ground water.

I don’t want to moralize, but there is no place on Earth free from pollution. I wish stronger measures were taken to battle pollution. For the Earth, yes?

Welcome to Hairdo Hell:  A Memoir

Several years ago, I won an award for an essay.  It’s lovely to win an award, even if you just get a plaque or certificate, which you immediately lose, and which surfaces years later in a filing cabinet.

Later, I won an award I’d never heard of. Of course it was an honor, as all these thing are, but it seemed to be an award for winning OTHER awards. And I  may have been called a Person to Watch.  Now that made me nervous.  If I were a Person to Watch, I needed good hair.

I ran to the mirror.  All I can say is, the hair was very short. I considered it wash-and-wear.  That was the only description for it.

I tried combing my hair, tried brushing it, stuck a barrette in it, and that was as good as it got.

I’ve got to do better than this, I thought. So I got on the phone to Mom. “There’s this award. And I have to get my photo taken.”

“Oh, I can’t wait to get a photo!  You’ll be the most adorable one there.”

Of course I wasn’t adorable, but she gushed about us kids all the time, and naturally she was pleased with the award that  seemed to me a disaster.  The hair issue didn’t register with her.

Then I consulted my loveliest friend.  She thought I should forget the hair and concentrate on a makeover.  A makeover?  On TV the before is always better than the after!

I confided that I was allergic to makeup.  Years ago after studying Clinique ads in a women’s magazines, I purchased Clinique makeup and applied it thoroughly. Unfortunately, I developed a horrible rash. The dermatologist gave me an ointment, told me I was allergic to Clinique, and advised me not to wear makeup again.

 My friend pooh-poohed that – “What do dermatologists know?” -and before I knew it I was sitting on a stool at the makeup counter, and a clerk was applying various magic powders, cremes, and mascara, then brushed my hair up high on my head.

My friend and the makeup artist looked uneasy.  I had known it would go wrong!  Actually, I didn’t recognize myself:  I looked like a low-end hooker at the Holiday Inn, with high teased hair and too much eye makeup.

My friend said not a word about the makeup, but we went upstairs to scrub it off.

But one good thing came out of it: Mom loved the photo.

Date Night: The Wardrobe

 Last night I went on a date. 

We went to a movie, or you could say two movies.  At the first theater they wouldn’t let us in because we were 30 minutes late. At the second theater we were an hour late and still got tickets.

“Now it’s date night,” I said to Captain Nemo.. 

“Yeah, okay,” he said. He was tolerant, but the concept was alien. He prefers at night to stay home and listen to the Jayhawks, and if you think I listen to the Jayhawks, or know who they are, you’re a fantasist.

Back in the car, I gushed about Date Night, though I admit, I would have enjoyed it more if I hadn’t left my coffee in the car.

And then, while musing on the first theater’s eviction of us, I theorized that it came down to women’s fashion.  It didn’t matter for men, but I was too shabby in hiking clothes

HERE’S WHAT I SHOULD HAVE WORN FOR DATE NIGHT

1. The classic black dress which, in  theory, is perfect for all occasions. I wore it in the ’90s, and last saw it on the bedroom floor in 2005.  But would I have felt comfortable in a black dress at the movies?  I think not…

2.  My mother sent me her elegant white wedding negligee, which would have looked fabulous if I had been a Size 2. Surely Mom knew I’d never been a Size 2, but she happened to be getting rie or wedding albums, etc. However, I would have worn the negligee everywhere if it was the right size. I would pretend I was Sally Jay Gorce in The Dud Avocado, who wears an evening gown to breakfast in Paris because it’s the only thing not in the laundry.

3. In fact, the only stylish part of the wardrobe is my sneakers.  If I may say so, they’re good to go with everything. Everyone compliments everyone’s sneakers. Everyone loves everyone’s sneakers.

On future date nights, I’ll wear something classic: black pants, a long white shirt, and slingblack flats. But I’d look like a server, and people would want me to take their order. “A three-egg omelet with two eggs… ” I’d probably take the order and deliver it to the cook before going to the movie.

I feel I should end this with “Peace in our time,” so I will. 

A 20th-Century Classic:  Thomas McGuane’s “Nobody’s Angel”

Thomas McGuane, a neglected American writer, is still respected, but his books were better-known in the 20th century. His style is graceful, his characters complex, and he has an offbeat vision of what it means to be an American in a troubled period of history.  

And Nobody’s Angel, published in 1979, is a masterpiece of alienation. Even the blurbs on back of the paperback are excellent: “The thinking man’s Western… McGuane is meticulous with his metaphors, as precise and witty as a Renaissance poet.”

I wouldn’t call it a Western, but I see the critic’s point. The hero, Patrick Fitzgerald, “a fourth-generation cowboy outsider,” has left Germany, where he served in the army, and returned to the family ranch in Montana. Although he loves the ranch, he is often angry. We have the feeling early in the novel that something, someone, or someones will explode.

This strange, gorgeously-written novel, set in Montana in the 1970s, teems with rage (probably PTSD).  However, the novel begins humorously.  On his first day back,  Patrick goes to town to look for his grandfather, Francis X. Fitzgerald, and finds him trying out for a movie, Hondo’s Last Move.  (The movie is never made: the studio decides to go with science fiction.)

When the director, Duxbry, tells Francis X. that he’s in the movie, Francis, who has been begging for the role, shows no gratitude: “On the basis of what?”

They’re a peculiar family.

This book is very “horsy,” but these scenes are enjoyable even for those of us who aren’t.  On the ranch most of Patrick’s duties are horse-oriented:  he breaks horses, rides horses, feeds horses, shoes horses, and watches a horse give birth. 

And eventually he meets and falls in love with Claire, a rich married woman from Oklahoma who has rented the ranch nearby – with her husband.

That said, this isn’t just a man’s novel. And it certainly isn’t just a love story. There are six women:  Patrick’s pregnant sister Mary, just out of a mental hospital; their estranged mother, who shows up at exactly the wrong time; three good-natured prostitutes who make quiche; and, yes, we must talk about Claire. 

Claire is the perfect woman for Patrick, but from my point of view, she is the least believable character. (I also have this trouble with Hemingway’s women, so that shows you where I stand.) Claire is a fantasy figure, not especially vivacious, constantly peeling off cotton dresses, while Patrick admires her breasts. In all fairness, Claire knows horses. She trains them, I think. Patrick is in love with Claire, but she is perhaps less in love: she says she won’t leave her husband.

There are rocky times ahead.

There’s darkness, there is humor, there is sex, there’s a state I’ve never been to (Montana). The writing is lyrical, and I look forward to reading his later books. I believe McGuane is still writing.

Trivial Regrets:  The Price of Aging

Sometimes I play a game called “Trivial Regrets.”

Why didn’t I dye my hair blond in my 30s? Why did I wait till my 40s?  Why did I stop dyeing my hair? (Because we didn’t have a shower?)   Why be so sensible about everything? 

The other day I realized: the only shoes I have are sneakers. 

There’s more:  Why did I allow the holes in my pierced ears to close up?   Why don’t I get them repierced at the mall? But piercing ears is a rite of friendship, not a kiosk procedure. Years ago a friend numbed my ears with ice cubes, then pierced them with a sterilized needle. A year later, another friend pierced them, because the first time the holes were crooked.

Why, you may wonder, am I thinking about pierced ears? Well, I found my earrings in a tiny Papier-mâché box: cat earrings, crescent moon earrings, demure gold hoops, peace sign earrings, and clip-on fake jade earrings that matched a green scarf.  Once, when my apartment was burgled, the thief dumped my worthless jewelry onto the bed. (I only like costume jewelry.) He did take my VCR, though.

Why didn’t I accept a limited edition of D. H. Lawrence’s The Virgin and the Gipsy ? It seems so harmless, doesn’t it?  During an interview with a 95-year-old book collector who was selling off his collection, he offered me the book because I am a keen Lawrence fan. I regretfully declined: It was conflict of interest.  I thought it unethical to take gifts while working. And so it is. But maybe I could have bought it. That didn’t occur to me.  But perhaps that, too, would have been crossing a line.

Yes, once I dyed my hair; I wore earrings; I turned down the gift of a book; and my preferred footwear was/is sneakers. Now I know what Nora Ephron meant when she wrote, “I feel bad about my neck.” I don’t feel particularly bad about my neck; it’s my slantwise crinkly arms. WEAR SUNSCREEN.

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