In The New York Times Book Review (April 13, 2025), Dan Piepenbring reviews a book about the art of conversation. Actually, it is about the science of conversation. This quirky book is called Talk: The Science of Conversation and the Art of Being Ourselves, by Alison Wood Brook, a professor at the Harvard Business School. And for years she has studied different forms of communication.

Brook believes that the secret of a good conversation is to plan it in advance. Try rehearsing a charming anecdote or a joke, plan lots of “sensitive” personal questions (people like these, she says), and allow a smidgen of improv. One question she has had good luck with is, “When did you last cry in front of another person?” Honestly, that question makes me feel sad. Would I change the subject? I don’t want to cry in front of the questioner.

Hm, could I improve my conversation? Of course I could. This book is probably aimed at me. You won’t recognize me after I read it. But, honestly, I don’t like the sound of all that planning. I don’t like people firing questions at me. It would be like conversing with a hyped-up journalist who thinks he is still in the newsroom.

At one point in the book she writes: “Managers who were randomly assigned to make one joke in one conversation were over 9 percent more likely to be voted into leadership positions by their teammates.” Nine percent doesn’t sound like much to me, but I don’t know anyone seeking leadership positions (except in book groups!).

As for the joke, I’m not an actor: maybe I’d get the timing right, probably not. And if I planned a conversation, I would verge off-topic after a minute or two. And that’s the way I prefer it. Even if the conversation is boring, I prefer honesty and improvisation.

I always greet my husband with “Tell me about your day.” And I actually do want to know about his day. But should I prepare an anecdote? Write it down and rehearse it?

But, women get so much bad advice from books. You know, in the ’60s, during the Vietnam War, somebody (a magazine writer maybe?) advised women to wrap their naked bodies in Saran Wrap before they greeted their husbands at the door. That was somebody’s idea of sexy. That angered a lot of people. Saran Wrap! Made by Dow Chemical, the makers of Agent Orange. Anti-war protesters were enraged. Feminists were enraged and horrified.

Brook’s book can’t possibly hurt anyone. Telling jokes and anecdotes doesn’t endanger human beings or the environment. And she is on to something when she encourages conversation. I’m not sure there is an actual art of conversation these days.