My ex-stepmother calls, brimming with holiday glee. She loves Christmas and makes a flannel nightgown for me every year. She”s my absolute favorite ex-stepmother, but I already have holiday burnout. Christmas is three weeks away… then there’s the New Year… and we just had Thanksgiving!

My advice on acting cheery about the holidays: pick a perky mood before you improvise on a holiday phone call.

I’m feeling merry!  “I’m singing “Jingle Bell Rock.” You know:  “Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock.”

I’m feeling hopeful!  My exercise regimen?  Getting the mail.

I’m feeling sentimental! Have you seen The Bishop’s Wife?  Well, Cary Grant is an angel. 

I’m feeling nostalgic!  Yes, Cary Grant is literally an angel.  He’s in love with the bishop’s wife.  Kind of like Wings of Desire.

I’m feeling incredulous! You’ve never seen Wings of Desire? No, no, Cary Grant is not in Wings of Desire. It’s a Wim Wenders movie.

I’m feeling smart!  Wim Wenders is a German director.  Yes, it’s “Vim.” Not Jim

I’m feeling ecstatic!  I ate your Christmas cookies!  Thank you so much.

I’m feeling virtuous!  Yes, I did send you that Christmas cactus!  It’s minimal maintenance.

I’m feeling Christmasy!  An advent calendar?  I’ve never had one.  Thank you so much.

I’m feeling envious!  You’re going to Hawaii for Christmas?  So much fun. 

I’m feeling overwhelmed!  No, that’s too kind.  I can’t go.  I have plans, unfortunately.  

I’m feeling exhausted!  Buying gifts… forgetting to get gift receipts… losing the other receipt..  talking the manager into giving me gift receipts without the receipt…

I’m feeling annoyed!  Oh, nobody keeps the gifts.  No, they dash to the mall with eggnog hangovers to buy something they’ll decide later they don’t like. It’s consumer madness.

I’m feeling so happy for you!  Talk to you soon, darling ex-stepmother.

I would never share the dark side of Christmas with that sweet, hopeful, cheerful, Christmas-loving ex-step. It would shatter her world.

May she always be merry!