“The eighties weren’t our fault.” – Cynthia Heimel (1947-2018)

Rearranging my bookcases is one of my favorite pastimes.  I never know what I’ll find, and today I ferreted out a treasure trove of Cynthia Heimel’s humor books, Sex Tips for Girls; But Enough about You; If You Can’t Live without Me, Why Aren’t You Dead Yet?, and Get Your Tongue out of My Mouth, I’m Kissing You Good-bye! 

Heimel, who wrote for The Village Voice and Playboy, is one of our best American humor writers. (Library of America, could you publish her books side by side with other women’s humor essays?) Heimel wrote hilariously about not having a boyfriend, the advantages of an all-black wardrobe, and shopping under the influence of PMS.  And, oh, by the way, she says the best place to find a man is Texas.  Don’t ask… I didn’t understand… but where’s your plane ticket? 

It’s odd how, after all these years, I still relate to “The Great Boyfriend Crunch,” an essay in Sex Tips for Girls. Here is an excerpt from Cynthia’s hilarious boyfriend diary.

11:30 a.m.  Wake up.  Realize I don’t have a boyfriend. Go back to sleep again.

12:45 p.m. Wake up.  Realize I don’t have boyfriend but do have intense need for sustenance. Stagger into kitchen.  Make coffee.  Run mind over assorted boyfriend possibilities

1:07 p.m. Greta calls from the office. She went to a party last night and met a cute guy.  Twenty years old, too young. Also has girlfriend, but may be breaking up with her soon.  We discuss starting a newsletter announcing up-to-the-second status of all heterosexual relationships in Manhattan.

And, by the way, when Greta does call up the too-young guy, he doesn’t remember her! 

Heimel’s other books are a little more mainstream, but may seem even more comical and daring, Everyone loves her rants on fashion and aging, because as women we have similar experiences. In the essay, “We Are Not What We Wear” in But Enough about You,  Heimel laments the death of fashion: her all-black clothes no longer identify her as a hipster writer. Clothes no longer signal who you are.

“Back in the old days, when artists used to live in lofts, if one had a ‘look,’ it meant something. Some looks proclaimed, ‘Hi there, I’m a rock star’  or ‘Hello, I’m a black humorist!’ or even Yo!  I’m a drug dealer!”

And then she tells us what we must never wear, including ROCK-STAR MEMORABILIA (she says not even rock stars will wear it), THE ARMY SURPLUS EFFECT, THE PREPPY GAG, RIDING COSTUMES, & ATHLETIC OUTFITS. I’m guilty of the latter. Does this mean I can’t wear sweatpants around the house?

As a Woman of a Certain Age, I appreciate her essay, “What’s a Crone to Wear?” in Get Your Tongue out of My Mouth, I’m Kissing You Good-bye! Heimel loves to shop in New York, where she finds beautiful, interesting clothes, but can’t even find a long skirt in L.A. She says that she’d take out a loan if she could find one ridiculously overpriced garment she could fall in love with there.

But perhaps it’s easier for Heimel to find good clothes than a boyfriend. That said, I used to joke that I had majored in classics and boyfriend, because I have (almost always) had a boyfriend, and usually a husband. But I gather that Heimel had many boyfriends, and possibly a husband, too, at some point. Her writing is personal, but not too personal. She turns it all into humor.

By the way, I have an autographed copy of Sex Tips for Girls!