Tag Archives: Cynthia Heimel

Women and Sexuality in 20th-Century Literature:  Cynthia Heimel,  D. H. Lawrence, Mary McCarthy & Erica Jong

Why, one wonders, this sudden interest in sex?  As a woman of a certain age, I already feel I could write an instruction manual. But as I laughed over Cynthia Heimel’s Sex Tips for Girls (1983), I was astonished by her detailed instructions on how to give a blow job.

There’s no casual hopping into bed in a camisole and gym shorts, then shedding layers. Heimel is a diva obsessed with oral sex. It’s as if she suddenly decided to rewrite The Joy of Sex in the middle of her book.  But of course she’s very witty, albeit perhaps too detailed in her instructions.

And so I began thinking about the portrayal of women and sexuality in 20th-century literature, about what worked and what didn’t.

D. H. Lawrence’s Lady Chatterley’s Lover is his best-known novel, and that’s a shame: it was far from his best.  But of course it’s very popular, because it was banned in England for the sex scenes till 1960.

It is a novel of sexual unhappiness. Sex is always important to Lawrence, and this is one of the few books where he doesn’t philosophize about it. But the characters are very sad: Lady Constance Chatterley married her husband in 1917; he came back from the war a paraplegic.  There is no sex: Constance is unhappy; he is unhappy, everyone is unhappy.  But then Constance begins an affair with Mellors, the virile gardener, and she and he are ecstatic.  Lawrence is always brilliant, but I must admit the sex scenes are slightly comical, because Mellors refers to their genitals as Lady Jane and John Thomas.  If you’re a Lawrence fan, you should read it; and if you’re not a Lawrence fan, start with something else.

His better banned book, Women in Love, is much more complicated, and one of the main characters, Rupert, philosophizes about sex, but there is also much humor. His girlfriend Ursula tolerates his orations and grounds him. They are the perfect couple.

Mary McCarthy’s The Group, a novel about eight women who graduate from Vassar in 1933,  was a best-seller, and no wonder: it is the perfect beach book. Everyone apologizes for liking this book.  I’m not sure why.  Some of McCarthy’s intellectual friends (she was political, outspoken, and made a lot of enemies) deemed it too commercial.

But is it too commercial?  That’s not how I remember it.  Although I prefer Birds of America, her satiric novel about a young American abroad in the 1960s, The Group is a fascinating portrayal of an earlier generation with fewer choices. In one memorable scene, two women put on fake wedding rings before going to a doctor to be fitted for diaphragms. And, if I remember correctly, the diaphragms zoom around like frisbees as they practice inserting them. Perhaps they were easier to insert by the time I got mine! But the characters in The Group can’t take birth control for granted: if they’re not married, the doctor might refuse to prescribe it.

Erica Jong’s Fear of Flying was a sensation when it was published in 1973. The heroine, Isadora Wing, is afraid of flying , but accompanies her psychiatrist husband to a conference in Germany anyway. She is tired of her marriage, and on the lookout for the “zipless fuck,” as she calls it. (She finds it. )And she finds it again in a couple of sequels, which I actually preferred to Fear of Flying. 

All four of these writers were groundbreaking in their approach to women’s sexuality.

Cynthia Heimel’s Humor Columns & Essays

“The eighties weren’t our fault.” – Cynthia Heimel (1947-2018)

Rearranging my bookcases is one of my favorite pastimes.  I never know what I’ll find, and today I ferreted out a treasure trove of Cynthia Heimel’s humor books, Sex Tips for Girls; But Enough about You; If You Can’t Live without Me, Why Aren’t You Dead Yet?, and Get Your Tongue out of My Mouth, I’m Kissing You Good-bye! 

Heimel, who wrote for The Village Voice and Playboy, is one of our best American humor writers. (Library of America, could you publish her books side by side with other women’s humor essays?) Heimel wrote hilariously about not having a boyfriend, the advantages of an all-black wardrobe, and shopping under the influence of PMS.  And, oh, by the way, she says the best place to find a man is Texas.  Don’t ask… I didn’t understand… but where’s your plane ticket? 

It’s odd how, after all these years, I still relate to “The Great Boyfriend Crunch,” an essay in Sex Tips for Girls. Here is an excerpt from Cynthia’s hilarious boyfriend diary.

11:30 a.m.  Wake up.  Realize I don’t have a boyfriend. Go back to sleep again.

12:45 p.m. Wake up.  Realize I don’t have boyfriend but do have intense need for sustenance. Stagger into kitchen.  Make coffee.  Run mind over assorted boyfriend possibilities

1:07 p.m. Greta calls from the office. She went to a party last night and met a cute guy.  Twenty years old, too young. Also has girlfriend, but may be breaking up with her soon.  We discuss starting a newsletter announcing up-to-the-second status of all heterosexual relationships in Manhattan.

And, by the way, when Greta does call up the too-young guy, he doesn’t remember her! 

Heimel’s other books are a little more mainstream, but may seem even more comical and daring, Everyone loves her rants on fashion and aging, because as women we have similar experiences. In the essay, “We Are Not What We Wear” in But Enough about You,  Heimel laments the death of fashion: her all-black clothes no longer identify her as a hipster writer. Clothes no longer signal who you are.

“Back in the old days, when artists used to live in lofts, if one had a ‘look,’ it meant something. Some looks proclaimed, ‘Hi there, I’m a rock star’  or ‘Hello, I’m a black humorist!’ or even Yo!  I’m a drug dealer!”

And then she tells us what we must never wear, including ROCK-STAR MEMORABILIA (she says not even rock stars will wear it), THE ARMY SURPLUS EFFECT, THE PREPPY GAG, RIDING COSTUMES, & ATHLETIC OUTFITS. I’m guilty of the latter. Does this mean I can’t wear sweatpants around the house?

As a Woman of a Certain Age, I appreciate her essay, “What’s a Crone to Wear?” in Get Your Tongue out of My Mouth, I’m Kissing You Good-bye! Heimel loves to shop in New York, where she finds beautiful, interesting clothes, but can’t even find a long skirt in L.A. She says that she’d take out a loan if she could find one ridiculously overpriced garment she could fall in love with there.

But perhaps it’s easier for Heimel to find good clothes than a boyfriend. That said, I used to joke that I had majored in classics and boyfriend, because I have (almost always) had a boyfriend, and usually a husband. But I gather that Heimel had many boyfriends, and possibly a husband, too, at some point. Her writing is personal, but not too personal. She turns it all into humor.

By the way, I have an autographed copy of Sex Tips for Girls!

Cynthia Heimel, the Wittiest Humorist You’ve Never Heard of

“Never try to establish a successful flirtation when your hair is a mess.” – Cynthia Heimel

In the late 1980s I was at my favorite soulless corporate bookshop when I found a copy of Cynthia Heimel’s Sex Tips for Girls. The opening lines of the first essay, “Who Are We?”, made me laugh so hard you might think the ghost of Claudette Colbert had materialized.

Heimel writes, “These are the times that try a girl’s soul. We don’t know where to turn, what to think.”

“Exactly,” said my friend Janet . “My soul has been tried for years.”

“It didn’t turn out the way I thought it would for sure. Wait, does that sound mournful?” I asked.

“Yes, but aren’t you sick of perkiness?”

Janet and I were divorced, and stayed in touch with our exes. They kept us grounded: they taught us how to fix toilets and assemble DIY desks. We went reluctantly on dates with men who lacked the charm of our exes. They all had boats. Never go on a date in a boat. You are stuck for hours. You can’t get up and leave. And they will talk about trimming a mainsail until you actually know what it means.

Heimel, the wittiest humorist you’ve never heard of, saved us from melancholy. She wrote columns for The Village Voice, Playboy, and Vogue, and was the author of seven humor books. In her first book, Sex Tips for Girls, a collection of columns from the Voice, she obsesses about “the great boyfriend crunch,” gives beauty tips, instructions on fellatio, and encourages you to buy clothes that suit your personality rather than conform to the latest fashion (or fascism).

I flirted with fashion after reading Sex Tips for Girls. At a party I was a knock-out in a black knit dress with an emerald green scarf around my waist. The look: gypsy slut, as I wryly called it. But being glam for one night was more than enough. The boaters surrounded me. I was tired of boaters. Annoyed and cross because of temporary prettiness, I rode my bike home and reverted to jeans and a blouse.

Heimel, who is real life was smart, stylish, and had great hair, is always eloquent about fashion. In the chapter, “Outfits,” she characterizes fashion according to self-image. Styles range from the Little Girl to the Seductress to the Dominatrix to the Preppy, then on to Designer Label Girl, the Hippie, and the Corporate Woman. How do you break out of your rut? Daydream, play a record, and fantasize about what you really want to wear, Heimel says. After wearing tweedy suits to work all week, you may want “a great big red velour jumpsuit with a nipped-in waist.”

There is a lot of sex talk in Sex Tips for Girls, but Heimel thinks there can be too much sex.. In the essay, “Is There Such a Thing As a Jaded Sexual Palate?,” she says that the culture has become promiscuous in terms of where and when to discuss sex: the greatest culprits are cocktail parties, television talk shows, and long supermarket lines, In a long line at the supermarket, two women gross her out with tehcnical talk about masturbation.

When everyone had Herpes, Heimel thought the sex talk would finally wane. But then Herpes made the cover of Time magazine.

If Sex Talk for Girls sounds too graphic, I recommend her second book, But Enough about You: Avoiding Fabulousness. It’s actually funnier, and it doesn’t instruct you on fellatio, which may seem excessive to readers in 2025, Were the ’80s more permissive than the 2020s? I have no grasp on the character of the decade except for the made-up articles at the end of each year in newspapers and magazines.

Heimel died at age 70 in 2018.